Buffy & Suzie: Why Ray REALLY Went to Miami

I spent about an hour last night on Twitter trying to figure out why Ray went to Miami. Some tweeted that it was because of his tumultuous relationship with Rondo, others said he felt like he had a better chance to win a championship with the Heat and a few claimed he left because he was offended the Celtics repeatedly attempted to trade him--which doesn't make a ton of sense considering the newest Celtics deal came with a no-trade clause. Ray would have been one of three players in the league with a no-trade clause (Bryant, Kobe & Nowtizki, Dirk). On a side note, only one of those hasn't won an MVP. Aside from opening a yogurt shop in North Station and renaming the original tart flavor "Flavor Ray", I'm not sure the Celtics could have done much more.

MVP

MVP

Three-Point Contest Winner...One of these is not like the others...

I literally couldn't sleep last night. I felt like I had been cheated on, stabbed in the back and slapped in the face all at once. I simply had to find out the real reason for Ray's departure. So I called the only person who would really know--Jake Shuttlesworth. Below is the conversation that ensued.

The only person that really knows why Ray went to Miami

KK: Hey, Jake what's up man?
JS: Cut the crap Krass. Are you going to put this conversation in that stupid blog of yours?
KK: Jake, c'mon man. Of course not [note to self, do not put this in the blog].
JS: You know I did time for killing somebody right? I'm not scared of prison.
KK: Yeah...so...lets talk about your boy Ray.
JS: What about our arrangement?
KK: I got you, Jake. I'm making bank through AdSense on my blo...I mean, Sarah just got a raise at work. You'll get your money. I'm good for it. Anyways, Jake, I gotta know, why did Ray choose Miami.
JS. Seriously? Isn't it obvious?
KK: UBUNTU Jake! Of course it's not obvious! The Celtics just signed Jason Terry and resigned KG! Pierce is on his way to see Kobe's doctors in Germany! The Celtics just drafted Fab Melo to assassinate Chris Bosh. We had something!
JS: All these things are true. But have you ever been to South Beach?
KK: Yes, it's overrated! Have you ever been to Singing Beach?
JS: What the hell is "Singing Beach?!?!?!" Sounds lame--like you have to pay $25 just to park there during the summer.
KK: Yeah...but, Captain Dusty's is right there...anyways, OK sure, Miami is nice but, Jake, we both know Ray didn't move to Miami for the beach. That bald head of his will burn in like 2 hours.
JS: All right, you want to know? Seriously, you want to know? It's about the women in his life.
KK: What, I heard Ray's wife loves Boston?
JS: I ain't talking about his wife, man. I'm talking about the other women. You have seen his mom at games right? Well, she just bought house in MA. Ain't no way she's moving to Miami. Ray wanted a little space.
KK: Ok, I'll give you that, but c'mon Jake. She's still going to fly to all his games.
JS: OK, fine...you didn't hear this from me. You want to know the real reason? Remember Buffy and Suzie?
KK: Yeah, but Ray hasn't seen them in years! That was like 12 years ago before Ray was married. He's got kids now!!!
JS: Krass, Buffy and Suzie are Pat Riley's daughters...
KK: Oh. Sigh...


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So there you have it. It worked to get Ray to go to Big State college, and I guess it worked getting him to go to Miami. But Ray, I want you to remember something. You're teammates with this guy now. Enjoy...

P.S. Jason Terry is better than Ray Allen at basketball...And he's better looking...